So, out of the blue one night I couldn't sleep. I thought it was a one off. I slept OK the next night, but for the next two weeks after than I averaged about two to three hours of sleep. It was miserable. Combined with that, and possibly the cause of my sleeplessness, a really bad stomach problem hit.
Although hardly a huge trial, it was pretty miserable. Towards the end I couldn't drive, couldn't really think for work, and was having muscle cramps, some really bad often.
So I got into the docs and changed some medications around. I ended up having to go back to get something to help me sleep. I hated that medication because at first it wasn't a pleasant drop off to sleep, but felt like a giant blackness was closing in on me.
But after awhile I began to sleep. My stomach calmed down. But my trial wasn't quite over. I looked down and noticed a wet spot one day on my pants. The drug cocktail I was taking started causing me to, well, leak. Back to the docs. They gave me another drug. I had to quit taking that as the combination of drugs I was one caused me to dehydrate even though I was drinking water all the time. My days for awhile where drink water, get up and pee, repeat over and over again.
To top it all I have sleep apnea. Whatever happened that night that kicked all this off, and subsequent nights, I just wasn't able to wear my mask anymore...it freaked me out. So taking the sleeping drugs made me a little afraid as I was worried I wouldn't wake up one morning. I have never had panic attacks before and viewed those who did as weak or having mental problems. Well, maybe I fall into that category now as I would had anxiety attacks during this time and would pace for hours at night.
Sounds moderately bad right? It wasn't fun, and some issues I'm still dealing with, but here are some ways God who allowed this trial to happen used it to change me.
- During the sleepless nights one night I read, "Let your strength be your weakness." So I would start praying for other people since I was up. Not a ton, but I started. And that renewed in me a desire to pray for others and although not consistent that desire remains. God has answered some of those prayers and showed me on a few people that even though I normally don't see any evidence of the prayer having an effect that it is. One instance I was depressed and for some reason someone who would normally blow off my temporary depression as "just me being emo for the moment" actually gave me some amazing, and Biblical, answers. God is working on them even though normally I can't see it.
- We had a trip for an adoption planned. It got cancelled initially due to a paperwork snafu, of which I was glad because of the health issues. But then it was on again and we had to drop everything and leave within a week. I was able to see a urologist and get some medication that wouldn't dry me out and helped a little bit.
- I lost 10% of my body weight before the trip. This allowed me to run around with our soon to be son, travel without a seat belt extender, and be a lot more mobile.
- On the trip I no longer needed the sleeping medication and the anxiety was mostly gone. For the most part it hasn't returned, but I do feel the twinges of anxiety on occasion but I pray about it and try to focus on something to distract my mind and it goes away.
- Before I left I found a ENT doc / nurse practitioner that is really good. She got me to get into a sleep study and my sleep apnea levels were re-evaluated. The good news is that my pressure levels needed dropped down dramatically. With a little more weight loss perhaps I can ditch that machine in a year or so. Also I did get really, really sick on the trip. But my ENT anticipated I might so she prescribed some antibiotics. They didn't cure me but they kept the sickness from getting bad till the end of the trip. Once I got back I got some more powerful stuff and knocked the cold out. Even though I was really sick when I got back I was able to work and sleep.
- My stomach is still being diagnosed, but I've cut down my eating by about 30-40% and continue to lose weight. The pain and burping I was experiencing is almost non existent now. The cramping is gone and I've got back on the muscle relaxers. For a few months I was caffeine and soda free, though because for work I have to get online really early in the morning I've allowed myself a little caffeine some mornings. The pot a day is out.
- Spiritually something happened. I had some sin in my life that had been there for a long, long time. Somethings I should have hated I indulged in. I can't say these sins are completely absent from my life, but there are things that I generally flee from now when I'm tempted or exposed to them. They do not control me anymore and they did before this. Now I think I can be rid of them as much as anyone who lives in a sinful world can. I need to walk closely with God and keep short accounts when I fall with Jesus, but it really is night and day pre and post this crisis.
So, even though the trial was painful, and I still have medical issues to deal with, through it I lost weight and continue to lose weight (something I attest that I can't do on my own unless God flips a switch in me somewhere to either lose it because of sickness or gives me the will to eat less...I can't do that on my own), my sleep apnea is much improved and hopefully I will have my machine adjusted to where I can use it again soon for as long as I need it (which hopefully won't be for more than a few more years), my diet is improved, and I'm refocused on walking with God (still need to prioritize my King more, but on the path now where before I was just wandering).
There has been fruit in my life where before there wasn't much. And there will be more. It wasn't fun and it isn't over but by allowing this bump in the road into my life God like a good Shepard is putting me on a path that is more of a life I want to live.
Thank you Jesus for your continued mercy on this sinner. Glory to you for helping me. Hopefully I wont need any more bumps but if I do I know you will be there with me.
