My Biggest Sin

It occurred to me that my biggest sin is this...I'm still using my own standard of what is good and bad behavior.  And where I know my behavior is wrong in God's eyes, I just do it anyway and ask God to forgive me and think we are good.  When I do this I look at grace as an enabler for bad behavior.

This is not right.  What I need to do is fully embrace God's standard of right and wrong, and fully submit myself to that standard.  Maybe I have been fleeing that standard because there are so many areas of my life that are out of sync with that standard.  Note, in this fallen body...that has the old sin nature and the new born again nature fight, I will never be perfect, as at times I will fall short.  That is what the grace of Jesus is there for then...it covers me when I tried and failed.  But the difference is here is that I'm honestly striving for God's Holy standard, not just pretending to and then falling back and misusing God's grace to go my own way and pretend that I'm not.

I don't really know what happened to me.  When I first got saved I was all about God's standard and knew that grace was there to cover all my sins but it was my duty as a child of God to push my standard of right and wrong off to the side and embrace the Lord's even though sometimes I would fail it.  Over the years I've flipped back to my pre-saved version of what is right and wrong.  Oh I surround it with Christianese...and ask God to forgive me when I fail, but the repentance...the changing of my mind...the turning towards God has really suffered.

Don't get me wrong...I'm still a hyper-gracer and believe once saved always saved.  But I also believe that in order to be used fully by God, you must be striving to do what Paul in Romans 12:1-2 beseeches believers do every day.  I have not, and my relationship with God has gone from friend to someone at the back of the bus.  And it isn't God pushing me away...it is me ignoring Him calling me time and time again back into Holiness and being close to Him...but I foolishly choose the back of the bus again and again.

This really hit home for me recently, as I did repent for a good while of most of the stuff I was doing and God really started to bless me.  But then on a critical weekend I went into willful sin and just wasted all those blessings.  This was a micro experience, but I'm looking back at the macro of my life and seeing so many blessings and ways God could have used me but I've been largely fruitless.  Not totally, but not even close to being the man that God wanted me to be.  And as I get older, I see how selfish I've been and how much I've robbed God, others, and myself of knowing the me as I should be instead of how I am.  Instead of being a man that blesses many people and is a reflection of God's glory, I'm more of the walking wounded...with God trying to heal me and me turning away.

The sad part is now I am old.  I will NEVER be the person I could have been if I had let the Holy Spirit mold me as He desired to do.  There just isn't enough time and so many opportunities will not return.  There is no going back.

But I can still be fruitful in my remaining years if I yield.  In the video game culture we live in if my life were a game this would be where I would say, "Better just to start over" and delete my save game and go back and start from the beginning or near beginning.  But this is life, there is no do-over.  You get one shot to decide who you are.

One of the element's of Holiness is to deny yourself and pick up your cross daily.  The denying of self part is to not put yourself at the center of your life but put Jesus and other's first.  So that is a blessing as if I take myself mostly out of the picture...where I'm no longer worried if I turn out one way or another, and just rely on what God has for me on the day that I am in, it makes looking back and mourning over many wasted years sting less, as this life isn't about me but is about Jesus.  And although my life is already most likely half to two thirds over, there is still time enough, if I am willing and will submit, to bring God some fruit that pleases Him.

I know Jesus loves me...and his Love is a perfect love, and it isn't like human love which is ultimately behavior based.  God loves me beyond what I do.  But it would still be sure nice that I live my life in such a way that the Holy Spirit that lives in me smiles instead of is grieved.

So today, as the Holy Spirit enables, I will begin really trying to live Romans 12:1-2.  I know I can't do it, I need to ask God to do it in me.  And I need to keep asking God to do it in me.  And I must believe that He will do it in me.

Romans 12:1-2 (KJV)

12 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.

2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

A God Story

   So, when to me it is obvious that God is intervening in my life, I for lack of a better term call these events "God Stories".  Here is one.

   My wife and I have gone through a lot.  In April our marriage almost collapsed.  So about two weeks ago I was really down on my marriage.  I spent a lot of time thinking about what I was going to do.

   Lately I've really struggled to attend Church regularly.  I'm consistent with a Bible Study that is every other week, going on Sunday morning is a struggle for whatever reason.  Last week I felt that I needed to go to Church and I didn't really have an excuse not to.  Of course that Saturday night, in possibly an effort to self sabotage my effort to go, I stayed up past three.  So I prayed, "Lord, you are going to have to get me to Church or else I won't make it." or something like that.  I don't believe in giving God ultimatums but I know myself and what I was saying was true.

   So I woke up figuring it was about noon and I had slept in.  I lazily got out of bed and looked at the clock.  It was only a little after 8!  Now where to go.  The Church that sponsors the Bible study I go to wasn't till 11:00, and to be honest I kinda dread wading through all the people there (it is a good Church but it is kind of a mega church).  So I elected to go to the local Calvary Chapel instead.

   I went to that Calvary Chapel once when I moved to my new town and wasn't too impressed.  Right when the wheels came off of our marriage I went back to this Calvary Chapel and the message the Pastor delivered was right at the time what I needed to hear.  I wasn't sure if that would repeat.

   I get to the church, almost late, and the parking lot is full.  I circle around and a parking spot opens right up about as close to the front door as you can get in the lot I was in.  I go in.  The message was on 1 Corinthians 7...the part about marriage.

   The message was exactly what I needed to hear.  It is amazing that I was drawn not only to Church, but this specific Church to hear a message that I absolutely needed to hear.  I needed to have God's opinion, hope, and also practicality injected into my thinking.  Now I have my marching orders so to speak.  To love my wife as Jesus loves his bride, the church.  And to let the chips fall where they may.

Praise to God for Not Taking My Dad

I've been praying about my Dad's health lately...that God would not take my father and that death would be held at bay until my Dad is saved.  Well my my Mom left for the day, but suddenly her plans got cancelled (God cancelled them) and she came home to find my Dad unresponsive.  My father was rushed by ambulance to the hospital.  He is OK but if my Mom's plans weren't suddenly cancelled my father might have died.

I thank you God for mercy to my Dad and me by not allowing him to die.  Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I pray Jesus that God would continue to draw my Dad to you so that before his time on earth is up, and the sooner the better, my father would be saved.

So You Want to Know How Deep The Rabbit Hole Goes

So you want to know a little bit about how deep this war for souls goes? How the enemy uses people in ways that many of you had not imagined?  Here is a good start if you wish to go there.  Pray first, not for everyone.

Discovering the Truth with Dan Duval [Link] is currently doing an interview series with Dr. Preston Bailey. If you want to know about demonization, mind control, alter personalities, satanism, psychotronic weapons, and other parts of the ugliness in the spiritual war raging around us, take a listen.  As of this post there are 7 episodes, each varying in length from one hour to two hours.

Recommended, but with all things any truth that is presented here that doesn't jive with what you have read in the Bible should be challenged.  The thrust of these episodes is to shine light on things that are happening in the darkness so that people can be lead to the savior who heals, not to glorify the forces of darkness and their methods.


Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

Something Worth Crying About

Short post.

I am the only one in my family that is saved (meaning I have put my trust in Jesus's death and resurrection as payment for my sins).  I used to try to witness to my family but backed off.

I've been praying a lot for them.  My parents are getting old.  I love them tremendously.  If they died without Jesus it would wreck me.  So maybe out of that selfish motive I emailed them a short email last night, telling them again about putting their faith in Jesus will guarantee their eternity, and then I wouldn't have to worry anymore.

It fell on deaf ears (at least, for now).  My father told me to get a grip, that I scare him sometimes. Both answered with kind of vague God is love answers.

I don't cry much. But I did a little bit then.  And I do whenever I think of them and their eternity.

Jesus's Blessings

My wife and I went on an anniversary tip recently. God blessed us in so many ways. His finger prints were all over our trip. So I want to publicly say to Jesus, thank you! And I also want to leave this as a reminder, so when I doubt that God cares for me, I can look back on this.

• As we were leaving, I checked the mail, inside was a happy anniversary card with some money in it from my very generous parents (and I thank them too).  It turned out that the check was just enough to allow us enjoy our trip.  
• I was hoping we could take a scenic route to our destination rather than going through a big city.  We were able to do so and it make the trip much more enjoyable.
• A smaller highway we were traveling on ended up being completely blocked, and it would have cost us at least an hour to back track and go a different route. But some quick thinking by my wife she asked a construction worker if there were any dirt roads we could take.  He kind of looked at us.  I said we were from the Midwest and had plenty of experience on dirt roads.  He slyly told us about a dirt road down a side street.  Hour saved.  I thank him as well.
• We found a very unique hotel room and a great place to eat on the beach.
• We didn't have a lot of money, but we picked two things to do on the first day that ended up being much more fun than more expensive items.
• The weather on the harbor, previously foggy, magically cleared for us like in our honeymoon trip in Chicago when we did a boat architectural tour.  The harbor tour was awesome, perfect weather.
• We checked out the Midway carrier museum, and we got lost inside reading about all the placards about how the crews lived on the ship.  We didn't even make it to the top deck which was where I wanted to go, but the time we spent below was well worth it and very enjoyable.  We have a reason to go back too.  Great museum.
• When we got to our second hotel, a room my wife and I spent a trip in before we got married (don't ask about that), we had gotten a great room but it was big and had a kitchenette.  We ended up downgrading to the original room we had our trip in, very romantic. We even saw a sea lion (or another that looked like the original) camped out at the hotel like the last time we were there.
• We has an excellent anniversary dinner at a casual place that had excellent food for relatively cheap.
• The next day we ended up finding a tide pool on a naval base / national park and had a great time splashing around with a bunch of other tourist and kids for a few hours.  We also were able to tour a monument that was fun and free.  
• We made it both to San Diego and back with no problems, just enough money to bail out our dogs, and have a very blessed time.

Thank you Jesus! I know your finger tips were all over the trip, as they have been in passed trips.  Thank you for being so generous to my wife and me.  We appreciate the gift.

The Big Crisis

All my life I've gotten help.  Just even recently my wife went to the emergency room and I had to take a spot loan out from my parents so I could afford to get the car my wife had left hours away on the side of the road.  I've been very blessed by many people in my life as I've faced hardships.  Yet I'm thinking one day I will be forced to face the ultimate hardship alone.

It is amazing to me how quickly the American church by in large is growing smaller and having less and less impact on our society.  I think 2013 marks the first year where out and out persecution of Christians has begun.  The government has been flirting with the idea for years, but now judges are starting to rule that Christians who live by their faith must adapt to the society instead or pay a price.  I expect this to get rapidly worse.

My parent's salvation is unknown.  Even my wife's is at this point.  The few friends that I have are scattered far away, and most of them are not Christians either.  I can stand with my fellow Christians that I go to a Bible study with, but I think when persecution happens it will be every man and woman for themselves for the most part.

I don't want to be persecuted. I don't want to face troubles while those that I love stand by and watch with actual approving nods that I'm being punished somehow for what I believe.  But I am almost expecting it at this point.  It will be both a really sad day but also a great one as I will put all my trust into my Lord Jesus.  By Him I stand or by Him I will fall.  It will be just He and I as I go through what I am called to go through, just like it was just Him and the Father when Jesus chose to go to the cross. I hope that day, when and if it comes, will bring me closer to my Lord in a more intimate way than ever before.  I hope Jesus's nearness to me will help me wither the sorrow of being alone and at the same time bring me hope for future Glory in His presence.

I don't know when this time will come, it could be years maybe even a decade or more away, but I hope that if and when it comes, that God will see me through and I honor Christ by forgiving my persecutors and witnessing and praying for the unsaved until my final moment.